About Squirrel Queen

Raised in a swamp by half gator/half human parents, Squirrel Queen overcame her scaly skin condition to become captain of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleading squad in 1937. The restrictive sweaters the group wore prior to her captainship were discarded in favor of uniforms made of space-age polymers which included built-in jet propulsion packs. The rocket boosters enabled the cheer squad to perform the aerial stunts for which they are now so famous.
After a 30-year stint as a professional sideline yeller, Squirrel Queen put aside her high-flying antics when a mid-air collision resulted in the mangling death of a fellow cheerleader. Haunted by the responsibility of choreographing the intricate, synchronized, frenetic loop-de-loop move
known far and wide as the “Bee in Your Bonnet” that resulted in the fatal flight of her fellow cheerleader, Squirrel Queen vowed to never again yell and spell at the same time.
Putting the astroturf of the gridiron in her past, Squirrel Queen began the pursuit of a life-long dream of swimming the length of the Amazon River. Her adventure was cut short when pygmy poachers, thinking she was a new species of reptile with a pelt worth thousands of dollars as an aphrodisiac on the black market in Asia, captured her in their nets.
Upon realizing she was at least half human and still larger than their tallest pygmy king, Squirrel Queen was made queen of the tribe, a position she held until she installed a democracy in the jungle. Voted out after four terms as president, Squirrel Queen left behind her abode in the leafy, steamy, uncharted, interior territories of Brazil to walk the nation’s beaches.
Still struggling with flashbacks to the “Bee in Your Bonnet” tragedy during her time in the sun and sand, Squirrel Queen decided to learn more about the winged insects that buzzed about in her psyche. While apprenticing with a beekeeper, the adventurer found the protective clothing of the trade to be restrictive and stifling in the beaming rays of el sol. Opting for a more clothing optional approach as she grew familiar with the denizens of
the hives, the Bee Whisperer, as Squirrel Queen came to be known, helped polinate an entire Brazil nut plantation in record time.
Her career as an apiarist came to a sudden end soon after when an accidental dropping of a honeycomb resulted in the origination of the Brazilian wax. Squirrel Queen saw a chance to take her life down a different path, setting up training seminars for waxers everywhere based on the Karate Kid – Wax On, Wax Off method.

With a more bare-down-there look, modest swimsuits
became a thing of the past. The creation of the thong was not far behind and soon behinds were more clearly visible.
Squirrel Queen, after getting an eye full on the beach, was struck with the desire to see the Eiffel Tower in person and off to Europe she walked.

Upon gazing at the marvel of engineering in 1907, the scaly, half-human traveler was struck dumb and soon fell in with a band of rogue mimes.
The beret-wearing American woman “walked against the wind” for 14 years until she came upon an idea while watching the water wheel turn in a grist mill situated on a tributary to the Seine.
It was there she came upon the prototype for the Ferris Wheel, which she named after her former lover Ferris Bueller. Traveling with her new invention from town to burg performing for both kings and gypsies, the carnival entrepreneur also was drawn to the spotlight inside the sideshow tents.

Taking advantage of her half gator heritage, Squirrel Queen spent lucrative hours with the eyes of thousands cast upon her and her new amigos, the freaks and geeks of the Wiggleschneizen Carnival.
Squirrel Queen struck up a relationship with the world famous pinhead Zerudo, the son of itinerant ferret herders, and the pair stuck together when the Wiggleschneizen band of performers crossed the great Atlantic Ocean upon the
newly-christened luxury liner, the Titanium.
Squirrel Queen made a triumphant return to America. The half gator/half human Ferris Wheel inventor crisscrossed the US of A, bringing cotton candy and Kewpie dolls to the masses.
During a stop in Philadelphia to ink the Declaration of Indepence, Squirrel Queen offered a turn on the Wheel to the Founding Fathers. While at the very apex of the dizzying ride, John Hancock leaned over the side of his car in order to get a peek down into the depths of Betsy Ross’ cleavage with the X-ray bifocals Ben Franklin had created for him for just such an opportunity.
During an ebullient yelp of “Yowza”, Hancock’s spectacles slipped off and fell crashing to the ground, narrowly missing Samuel Adams, who was on his knees beneath the ride releasing a stream of Philly cheesesteak and eponymous ale after recently learning he had both vertigo and a fear of heights. Unable to utilize his newly-fractured eyeglasses, Hancock was forced to sign the historic document at a scale greater than normal in order to bear witness to his own signature.
With the ink still drying, Squirrel Queen, Zerudo and the rest of the Wiggleschneizeners headed to the Midwest. It was there that tragedy struck.
In Ames, Iowa, Squirrel Queen’s long-time business partner, and rumored lover, Zerudo was carried out of sight, and presumably out of existence, by a deadly twister. In addition to making Zerudo disappear, the cyclone ripped the original Ferris Wheel off its moorings and rolled the ring of fun all the way to the Rocky Mountains.
When the wheel stopped rolling, Squirrel Queen was left without a troupe with which to continue her travels. That is, until she ran into the Donners. When Squirrel Queen and the Donners hooked up, they got the Party started. But after the
snows of winter began to fall and the appetizers were served, Squirrel Queen decided to take on a vegetarian lifestyle and climbed to the top of the mountain.
After channeling the philosophy of an ancient Tibetan monk from the clouds above into the nail of the pinky finger on her right hand during her 47-year exile, Squirrel Queen saw the need to spread the word of the peace and harmony
feng shue can bring to any domicile.
She headed west to the coast of another great body of water and found a land of palm trees and sunglasses and the fair maiden who ruled this fiefdom. Her name was Holly of the Palm Woods.
In the palm wood governed by Holly, Squirrel Queen developed a knowledge of astronomy and she added star gazing to her list of accomplishments and capabilities.
The former pygmy president resided in the land of Holly until one day while searching the gutters for lost nickels, she espied a sight which chilled her half-reptilian blood even further. Her gaze was snagged by the glare of the sun’s reflection dancing upon a pair of shoes polished to a high
sheen. It was upon this set of footwear, the left one to be exact and just above the seam where the upper meets the sole on the instep, that she saw a half-moon scar embedded in the leather. The scar carried her back to her youthful days
in the swamp, gazing up into the eyes of her mother as she was cradled in the gator’s wee, short arms. Above her madre’s toothy smile and bulbous black orbs, Squirrel Queen’s mother bore a crescent-shaped reminder of her
battles with the tyrant of the bog, the ruler of the crawdad kingdom.
After years of being out of contact with her family, Squirrel Queen had learned the tragic news of her mother’s passing via the loafer of a passerby.
Suddenly thrown into mourning, Squirrel Queen abandoned the land of Holly and headed up the coast to the Pacific Northwest. In the land of ferns and steady rain, while guarding the nest of a spotted owl, the entrepreneur encountered a tall loner in the woods. Misunderstood by lumberjacks and fans of the paranormal alike, the giant, hirsute biped, who called himself Harry Buck, explained to Squirrel Queen he had an unbearable fear of razors and large crowds.
He tearfully recounted how he was haunted by the schoolyard taunts of former classmates who didn’t understand he was the result and only offspring
of a marriage of clowns. Coming from the clan of Emmett Kelly, Harry’s parents forced him to wear giant, red clown shoes as early training for his expected career under the big top. The chants of “Big Foot, Big Foot” still tormented Harry into his adult years, until Squirrel Queen explained to him that sticks and stones may break bones, but words could never hurt him.
Suddenly realizing he was stronger than the tormentors of his youth, Harry decided to move out of the forest and into the hustle and bustle and bumbershoots of nearby Seattle. He invited Squirrel Queen to travel with him and she did.
One cold, drizzly night the pair were sitting in a diner nestled in a neighborhood darkened every afternoon by the shadow cast beneath the Space Needle. Squirrel Queen was bemoaning the fact that she could not fall asleep. At Harry’s
suggestion, the former bee wrangler ordered a cup of hot, steamed milk in an effort to appease her insomnia, while the giant requested a cup of joe. While offering a toast to a sound night’s sleep, the vigorous clanking of the earthenware,
over-sized mugs resulted in the liquids sloshing together, creating a new java beverage.
After everyone in the establishment followed Squirrel Queen’s lead and ordered the hot drink and then paid Bruno, the diner’s owner, $8 for the delectable and addictive caffeinated creation, Squirrel Queen and Harry decided to open their own coffee shop. Trying to come up with a name for the new establishment, Squirrel Queen, not wanting to use her own moniker, opted to use the word Star to represent her former life as an astronomer, while Harry went with his surname, Buck. Thus was born Starbucks.
After making a tidy profit from selling caffeine to the masses, Squirrel Queen grew weary of the daily coffee grind and looked for a new pursuit to pique her interest.
After craning her neck to study the heavens for years, the former sideshow worker turned her attention to the earth and its crust. Having always had an interest in tectonic plates, Squirrel Queen made a return to the middle of the
continent to study the New Madrid fault.
Captivated by the legend of Reelfoot Lake and its earthquake origins, she headed to the marshy shores of the body of water. Squirrel Queen became completely enmeshed in the lifestyle of the year-round citizens of the lake community.
After working 24 years on the still waters as a fishing guide and Reelfoot Ness Monster hunter, she turned from outdoor sports to indoor sports one cold, winter night when she saw an advertising flyer for a donkey basketball game stapled to a telegraph pole.
Curious about the free-throw shooting percentage of the pack animal, Squirrel Queen paid the 36 cents it cost to attend the contest. While watching the four-legged athletes put on a show worthy of making the Harlem Globetrotters feel pedestrian, the formerly mute mime noticed an anxious crowd gathering around press row. The announcer covering the game for ABC’s Wide World of Sports had choked on a wiener bone and was unable to carry out his appointed
duties. After a screech of feedback on the loudspeaker made all the donkeys’ long ears twitch, a call for a replacement rang out and then echoed back and forth across the gymnasium.
Squirrel Queen, always up for a new challenge, stepped down from her perch on the top row of bleachers and took over the microphone so the broadcast could continue without Roone Arledge having to show repeats of Acapulco cliff divers in its vacant place.
Thus began a new career of covering local sports in West Tennessee.
After 65 years on the air, Squirrel Queen still had one dream unfulfilled – to place a Pulitzer Prize on the mantel in her teepee. She followed this dream and carried her knowledge of high school athletics and donkey dribbling from the spoken word to the written word in pursuit of the coveted award as an employee of the Meekly Bounty Mess for the past 42 minutes.

30 responses to “About Squirrel Queen

  1. Pingback: Squirrel Queen’s Opus « Newscoma

  2. Pingback: Not a Coalminer’s Daughter « The Squirrel Queen

  3. So few know about the level of insanity that lurks within your calm demeanor.

  4. This is why you’re upstairs in the corner. What drugs were you on when you wrote this and where can I get some?

  5. More importantly, are you responsible, in any way, for this?

  6. Me thinks the mushrooms on your salad yesterday where of the magic variety.


  7. We love you for all the good you have wrought in this world, madam, but I think we love you most for bringing cotton candy and Kewpie dolls to the masses. That had to be the kindest of all.

    So, so sorry you had to learn about yer mama like that.


  8. This is the damnedest thing I’ve ever read! Your excurisions back and forth across time as if traversing the geography are just — well, let’s just say that whatever you were smoking, put me down for a kilo…

  9. Wow. You’re old! 😛

  10. She’s ancient. And little did I know, mystical as well.

  11. Pingback: 8 is enough? « The Squirrel Queen

  12. Errrr… how was the catfish?

  13. Perhaps you would like to meet the first squirrel to travel to all 50 states. His name is Rice… and he’s pretty sexy.

    You can read about him here:

    You can see all his modeling photos here:

  14. I love stream-of-consciousness writing,though it so seldom works well. It certainly does here.

  15. wow …… Wow 🙂

  16. K. Jayne Cockrill

    You are a riot! I will return (after I’ve emptied my bladder), to get my endorphin fix! Thanks.


  17. I love your site. Keep it up !

  18. Pingback: Rumors of the Squirrel Queen’s Demise … « The Squirrel Queen

  19. Dude, I dont know who wrote this but it took me 45 min to read this because every other paragraph I had to wipe the tears from my eyes I have been laughing so hard. Thank you.

  20. Hi,

    Thought you might like this story for your freaky animals section. We found a lamb in our area that has a fifth leg growing out the back of its head. See the link for the full story and pictures.


    • Anthony, glad you truly enjoyed my life story – the highs, the lows, the inventions and creations. It’s one of a kind.
      David, thanks for the link. I’ll be putting this up on Squirrel Queen asap.

  21. Pingback: Freaky Sheep « The Squirrel Queen

  22. New holy image in food occurance! Virgin Mary appeared in pancakes just a couple days ago in Arizona. You can find the video here, http://www.azfamily.com/video/featured-videos/Our-Lady-of-Guadalupe-on-a-pancake-78263562.html

  23. Erstwhile bee whisperer, Sasquatch’s business partner, and an Amazon queen to boot! Squirrel Queen, this is an Epic tour de force of a Just So story, and I enjoyed reading it.

    You’ve touched upon many of the issues and pivotal concerns that shape our human experience and, in the case of the Donners, consumed a whole family: Are we all a misunderstood bigfoot in some way?; Will Titanium boat hulls displace more than their own weight in water?; What if you’re a pygmy -and- a pituitary giant, how would you know?

    Thank you as well for clearing up these historical inaccuracies! I used to think John Hancock very pretentious and rude for taking up all that room signing them papers, but having recently broken my own glasses falling down the escalator into Filine’s Basement I just feel bad for him. (That said, I’ve always suspected Ben Franklin had some very humid ideas for an elderly type who might have issues with certain functions from time to time, but lots of women who fall in love with the nimble-minded and who could stand to be just a bit more shallow with regard to aesthetics apparently don’t mind sweatin’ to the oldies now and then, and of course that only encourages them.)

    How did you overcome your scaly condition? I use the Walgreen’s version of Nivea hand lotion during the dry Illinois winters. Unfortunately, it washes off when you wash your hands, which we all should.

  24. Squirrel Queen, your extensive CV is without peer but how could you omit your 1974 motion picture debut in ‘GATOR BAIT?:

  25. Aunt Feminina, I think the phrase Half Animal, All Woman sums it all up rather neatly. Thanks for the laugh.

  26. Thank you as well for clearing up these historical inaccuracies! I used to think John Hancock very pretentious and rude for taking up all that room signing them papers, but having recently broken my own glasses falling down the escalator into Filine’s Basement I just feel bad for him. (That said, I’ve always suspected Ben Franklin had some very humid ideas for an elderly type who might have issues with certain functions from time to time, but lots of women who fall in love with the nimble-minded and who could stand to be just a bit more shallow with regard to aesthetics apparently don’t mind sweatin’ to the oldies now and then, and of course that only encourages them.)

  27. Atwater, age ain’t nothing but a number.

  28. Pingback: Euro still accepted for my cup of Coffee this morning - Page 868

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