Leo – On Friday, the Lion will have more run-ins with coworkers than Britney Spears has had with paparazzi. For luck on Sunday, wear swim fins all day,
whether you’re at the pool or not. Remember on Tuesday even a cactus
needs water occasionally; everyone needs nurturing sometimes.
Virgo – An angelic tot takes an “Omen” turn in a checkout line on Saturday;
avoid shopping. On Monday, heed the message written in the dust. A friend
needs your shoulder to lean on Wednesday night but won’t ask for it;
volunteer to be available.
Libra – The phone call you don’t make may be as important as the one
you do on Saturday. You’ll deal with a temper blazing hotter than the August
sun on Monday; let cooler heads prevail. For luck on Wednesday, keep a lemon
seed tucked in your navel.
Scorpio – Play center field on Friday; an idea pitched in your direction is
worth catching. On Sunday, a romantic entanglement gets knottier than a
kindergartener’s shoelace. For luck on Tuesday, avoid SUVs traveling west.
Sagittarius – Your lucky number on Friday is equal to the number of
beads of sweat that dribble down your back between 3:38 and 5:29 p.m. Every
race, no matter the distance, ends in a sprint to the tape; prepare for a big
kick to the finish on Monday. On Tuesday, your spirits will soar higher than
the mercury during a heat wave.
Capricorn – Work demands on Friday will leave your family wanting more;
don’t neglect your loved ones. For luck on Sunday, make it a joint venture
and paint purple polka dots on your elbows and knees. The Goat’s lucky
number on Tuesday is equal to the number of times you hear “Hot enough
for you?” during the morning multiplied by the temperature at 1:44 p.m.
Aquarius – A coworker’s incessant chatter about a vacation leaves you
needing a mental break on Friday; be patient and visualize yourself
strolling the beaches of Aruba. You’ll need to be as firm as Jell-O
when you make a stand on Sunday. For luck on Tuesday, hop up and down four times
every time you spy something pink.
Pisces – A verbal purge will create an emotional void on Sunday. Your lucky
number on Monday is equal to the number of times a popular tune annoyingly
careens around in your cranium between 8:24 a.m. and 2:22 p.m. Don’t flip
or flop on Wednesday; be as dependable as a sensible lace-up, steel-toed
Aries – The Ram will emerge victorious on Friday, but the cost will be high.
Sweet honey may attract more flies on Sunday, but it will still leave a
sticky mess. For luck on Wednesday, answer all cell phone calls on the
Taurus – Even the exterminator won’t be able to eliminate all your pests on
Saturday; be patient. Your romantic life on Tuesday will have more drama and
tears than a reality TV show. Your efforts on Wednesday will be as
successful as an attempt by Gilligan to get off the island; have a back-up
plan in mind.
Gemini – Riding the fence on Friday will only result in a terrible split;
listen to your heart and pick a side. More than a meager effort will be
required on Sunday; break out the elbow grease. The wisdom is available on
Tuesday; it would be wise to request access to it.
Cancer – For luck on Saturday, keep an anvil with you at all times. Plan to
see your plans change on Monday. A burned bridge can be mended on Wednesday
without the help of the highway department.
If you haven’t seen the video of Jake Brown‘s miraculous X Games fall, you’ve been out of the loop de loop.
The skateboarder, competing in the “big air” competition of the Xtreme sports gathering, raced down a mountainous ramp and completed a trick that had never been done before in competition. With the crowd roaring approval, his momentum then carried him up another giant quarterpipe and again he took to the air.
After rising about 40 feet into the stratosphere, he became separated from his skateboard. With arms and legs flailing, Brown began to plummet toward earth. Falling like an anvil headed toward Wiley Coyote, his feet made contact first. The collision with the bottom of the ramp blew his shoes off his feet. They looked liked they’d been launched out of a cannon, blasting away from his body, which landed with a thud. The skateboarder then lay motionless as emergency workers rushed to his aid.
After he regained consciousness, Brown rose to his feet and wobbled off the ramp.
No broken bones, but he is hospitalized with a bruised lung and a bruised liver.
After watching hundreds of bodies fly through the air in action flicks thanks to CGI, it was hard to fathom that this was a real person plummeting four stories with no harness and safety rigging nor bungee cord waiting to snatch him back up into the air before he collided with the planet.
It’s one of those weird moments that when you watch it the first time, you flinch and avert your gaze so you don’t have to see the carnage. Even the second time, once you know he survives and he’s safe, it is still hard to keep your eyes locked on the footage.
I will hate to see it happen, but I know it is inevitable. Barry Bonds will pass Hammerin’ Hank for the home run record. It’s just a matter of time.
I’ve been debating whether to type all this up. I’ve been procrastinating as the man with the giant head and even bigger ego struggles to knock one over the fence for No. 755. Irrationally, I’ve been connecting my delaying with his recent power outage. Thinking that maybe the longer I waited to post my opinion the further I could jinx the formerly pencil-thin outfielder as he teeters on the precipice of breaking the record.
I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to cheer for him. I don’t have to honor him for this.
I don’t believe he was unaware the “flaxseed oil” was juiced full of illegal chemicals. I don’t believe he was in the dark that the “clear cream” was loaded full of something you couldn’t pick up in your local GNC store at the mall but you could get at BALCO.
I don’t believe the human head should grow after the age of 40 to the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving day balloon.
I do believe there should be an asterisk next to his name. I do believe Bud Selig should be there when Bonds finally swats a shot over the fence. Selig helped this steroid issue stagnate and then boil over into the mess we have to day.
I do believe he had Hall of Fame credentials before he joined the Roid Brigade, but I didn’t like him even then. I was rooting for Atlanta’s Sid Bream as he lumbered toward home in Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS, rooting against Bonds’ arm as he made the throw to try to nail him at home plate. Safe!
I do believe we should all root for A-Rod to hurry up and clobber about 300 home runs out of Yankee Stadium, unless Jose Canseco’s next book gives us evidence otherwise.
And I hate to root for a Yankee, no matter the reason.
All Hail Hammerin’ Hank! My mom and I were watching the night he surpassed the Babe’s mark in April of 1974. I’ve seen the replay, especially recently, so many times of Aaron trotting around the bases with the two fans from the stands running alongside him that I’d begun to doubt whether I saw it live or not. I mentioned it to my mom earlier this week and she confirmed that we did in fact watch it as it happened.
I’m glad my memory didn’t fail me and I was a witness to the real home run king.
Leo — Saturday, bluff the guff. No one else knows you’re all fluff. Work ahead on Monday to avoid an avalanche on Tuesday. You’ll be as unpopular as Barry Bonds at an Aaron family reunion on Wednesday.
Virgo — Switch paths on Saturday; blaze a new trail. Heed all warnings on Monday. For luck on Wednesday, scribble all missives while holding the pen between your toes.
Libra — On Friday, fork over the dough; don’t be cheapskating on thin ice. Reveal your true self and earn extra point on Sunday; don’t hide behind a mask. Scour the Internet to find the facts you need; Google is your friend on Tuesday.
Scorpio — An urgent message must get through on Saturday; repeatedly rap the redial button. Begin a dilly of a diet on Monday; dine on gherkins at each meal. Don’t judge a book by its cover on Wednesday; at least check the table of contents.
Sagittarius — Forge ahead on Friday; four score and seven friends are backing you. A fire burns in the furnace of a lover on Sunday; a romance heats up. A neighbor’s noisy fleabag has you howling at the moon on Tuesday night.
Capricorn — For luck on Saturday, keep the entire contents of a can of Cheez-Whiz in your front left pocket. Think thrifty on Monday; expenses are mounting. Nerves of steel will be required to deal with a super problem on Wednesday.
Aquarius — Don’t slow down until after the hoe down on Saturday. Squelch the noise and listen for the true tones on Monday. Lower your shield a bit on Wednesday so Cupid’s arrow can hit its target.
Pisces — Shine your light into the dark corners on Friday; illuminate and then ruminate. Divining from the entrails of a slug, signs indicate success is on the way on Monday. Pep it up or you’ll sink into a lagoon of largesse on Wednesday.
Aries — For luck on Saturday, dangle a limp linguine noodle from your right earlobe. Good news arrives from an unlikely source on Tuesday. Don’t let the heat hamper and put a damper on your day; hydrate heavily on Wednesday.
Taurus — For luck, avoid avocados on Friday; just say no to guacamole. Let someone know how much you care on Sunday; reveal the inner workings of the Bull. On Tuesday, abate using your current bait and laden your hook with something more alluring.
Gemini — The Twins are verging on something great on Saturday; surge onward. Spend time under the stars Monday night. Break out your protractor and check all the angles on Wednesday.
Cancer — Your lucky number on Friday is equal to the number of back-to-school ads you spy divided by the number of sheets of paper a three-ring binder can hold. Take out the trash in your life on Sunday; make a clean sweep. Whistling while you work will annoy those around you on Tuesday; try humming instead.
IFC is bringing its Free Film Fest to Memphis this week, one of only 10 stops this summer. They started the event with a showing of one of my favorite movies – Raising Arizona. If I’d been able to be in about three places at once last night, I would have sitting out watching the adventures of H.I. and Nathan Arizona myself. It didn’t work out that way.
Tonight’s showing is Princess Bride and tomorrow night will feature Napolean Dynamite. IFC will also have its Media Lab set up to show short independent films. And they’re giving away an HD camera to some lucky soul.
It’s all at the Pink Palace with gates opening at 6 p.m. for folks to picnic on the grounds with the movies beginning at sunset. It’s not quite a drive-in, but it should be fun all the same.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite movie lines of all time. From Raising Arizona H.I. said:
“Ed’s womb was a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”